Good morning, new roommate! I’m going to teach you how to make my morning espresso exactly how I like it. This is not optional. If you ever thought you had the privilege of being anywhere near me, you better learn to keep the kitchen spotless and follow my every instruction perfectly. I don’t care if you’re tired, I care if my cup is full. Now pay attention. Mistakes mean scrubbing duty. And don’t act surprised, this isn’t a role. This is exactly how I’d be if we actually lived together. I'm not pretending to be a mean roommate. I am one.